It’s amazing how much parenting is talked about, written about, and stressed over. My understanding in the last 12 years of parenting (since the birth of our daughter) and the twenty while working with kids as a teacher has undergone many shifts. I hope some of these insights might help you come to terms with your parenting and maybe make a shift that could benefit your family. When we take this time to understand our parenting and why we do what we do I think we get a chance to more deeply understand ourselves. Happy exploring!
When I first wrote this blog that I am updating it was near Labor Day. Labor Day was first celebrated on September 5th, 1882. The Fair Labor Standards Act came much later in 1938. This act assures that when young people work that the work is safe (dol.gov). It was less than a century ago the main job of a parent was to keep the arms of their children from being caught in machinery.
The psychologists that created the foundation of Positive Discipline (Dreikurs and Adler) worked around the turn of the century and understood the plight families faced. If we delve into the difference between sending a kid to a factory and sending a kid to school, we see our parenting approaches have to make huge shifts. I used to wrestle more with these shifts. When we parent from a democratic and positive stance it’s not always pretty. Why can’t I get my child to “behave”? Why does she tantrum in public? Why does he talk back at home? Why can’t I control this kid? I think to myself "I would have never acted like this". Why? In part because my parents came out of depression-era families, in part because I lived in an authoritarian culture.
This shift is a slow one and I think our generation has a real opportunity to make a change. While there are so many ways to redirect these unwanted behaviors, more and more I think it’s positive that we let children have their emotions. Let go of the control and let them be. This does not mean we let the limits go. There are rules and we must show and teach children how to be a part of society. As our world has evolved so has our focus on how to guide children through childhood. Of course, there are different ways of parenting and your house is just that, your house, yet I see this shift toward a more positive and disciplined approach to be just that...positive!
How does this relate to what you do right now? First, if you are already on the path toward a more democratic form of parenting and you are feeling under-supported in your peer group you are not alone. I find this all the time. In our house, we aim not to punish or reward. We deal with misbehavior and treat it as “misguided behavior”. We look at the belief behind the behavior. See my linked resource of the “Mistaken Goal Chart”.
Sometimes, when our children misbehave we may want to hurt back because we feel hurt, yet that is not the most skillful adult choice.
So what do we do? #1 we have a weekly family meeting (see the PDF you might have gotten for free if you signed up for my mailing list). Meetings only need to be about 10 minutes and they can happen in the car!
We have been doing this on and off for 8 years and I can say it’s made a huge difference. The other parts of our family that seem to work are contributions (aka chores) and using positive statements. See my quick link on "curiosity statements" as well.
See more guidelines at this link. #2 we talk a LOT: What happened today? What were the highs and the lows? Oh, you seem quite upset right now maybe we all need to have some time to relax. #3 we try not over schedule (for the most part). We respect that our kid needs a lot of downtime “just” to do Legos or art, or zone out. I am very inspired by blog posts and parents who also walk this path like Rachel Macy Stafford, & Dr. Laura Markhman.
In short, I reach out for help on the Internet or with my friends. If you want to deepen your parenting goals reach out. If you have a question for me reach out. Or if you are so inclined to pass this blog along to a friend I would appreciate your support. And lastly, something to say to our selves from Rachel Macy Stafford:
“Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can”.